Trigger warning – this post mentions self-harm, eating disorders, and suicidal thoughts.
Change is scary. It could go wrong, make things worse, and require a lot of energy (physical and psychological). It isn’t as easy to implement change if there are so many other demands (perceived or actual) on your resources.
I knew that my coping mechanisms were unhealthy. However, they worked, allowing me to function. They also provided some sense of peace, if only in the short term.
I had to keep up appearances. Shame, guilt and the adverse reactions I’d already had when I tried reaching out for support meant that I couldn’t allow my mask to slip.
What were my coping mechanisms?
The most destructive ones were:
Self-harm. Self-harm was a way to punish myself, give me some release from the noise in my head, and give myself a feeling of having some control.
I was starving myself. I found myself internally repulsive (it had nothing to do with my physical appearance). I wanted to die, and I believed that I deserved the punishment of a drawn-out demise.
I was smoking to calm me down and drinking a lot of alcohol so I could sleep. My anxiety was a nightmare, and I needed to suppress the physical manifestations. Smoking gave me something to do with my hands, and the nicotine hit calmed me down. I was a chronic chain smoker.
Sleep deprivation is horrific. It is amazing what you will try to get some decent sleep. Drinking myself into a stupor did the trick for a while. I’d had no luck going to medical professionals about my issues as they were either not interested at all or only interested in providing a series of medications that, more often than not, made things much worse.
So, what changed?
Put simply, my coping mechanisms stopped working. Not only did my mask start slipping, but massive cracks appeared in it. People started to notice that I was struggling. Sadly, the reactions to this were still mainly negative. However, there were, unlike previously, some people who reached out and helped me start my journey away from these unhealthy mechanisms.
The changes took many years, with quite a few false starts. However, with support behind me, I could finally replace these mechanisms with healthier and longer-lasting alternatives.
What are the replacements?
Some of them are:
Mindfulness. I use this one mainly when dealing with escalating stress or anxiety levels.
Writing down my thoughts not only gives me space from invasive thoughts but can also provide an objective view of them so I can work through them.
Knot counting when struggling to sleep. Counting knots can help settle my mind at night. I use a piece of rope with about 20 knots tied in it.
I challenge invasive and negative thoughts. Just because I think something, it doesn’t mean that it’s true. I now ask myself what the evidence is for this thought, where it is coming from, and why it is shouting at me.
WRITTEN BY LORNA SMART
BLOGGER @POEMSTELLIUM
INSTAGRAM @LORNASMARTWORDCRAFTER
POEM STELLIUM 
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