Though I had been writing poetry and short stories since I was 9 years old, it was not until my late teens and in the midst of a bout of severe depression, that I found out how therapeutic writing can be.
At first, when writing poems about how I felt, I still tried to keep to the traditional conventions of writing poetry such as rhyming, however, as my emotional pain grew and on more than one occasion, almost put an end to me, all convention flew out of the window and I wrote my heart out.
I did not censor myself. There were swear words, grammatically incorrect sentences, exclamation marks abound as I tried to relieve some of the pressure of my mind. My words screamed at the pages on which they landed. It wasn’t always a designated notepad, I was a college at the time and my poems and prose started punctuating my coursework. It became imperative that I had that release to hand at all times. I cried as I wrote sometimes, the tears themselves bringing some release from all the noise in my head. I’m not sure why but I dated the poems that wrote during that time. Perhaps I subconsciously knew that they would serve another purpose later on.
I still have every piece that I wrote during those horrific years. They are not my best work stylistically or within the accepted conventions of writing. What they are, however, is some of the rawest pieces I have ever written. They are documents of my struggle, of my pain, of the battle going on inside my head. I have read them from time to time since and I want to weep for that young woman. I want to go to her and tell her she is not as alone as she feels, that she’s not stupid, useless or worthless. I want to tell her that people will come along who will support her and not judge her as she battles to find her way through it all. She wouldn’t believe me of course. I didn’t for quite some time believe those who tried to tell me this. I did not trust those few who first started trying to help me, I had convinced myself that anyone who tried was just laughing at me or using me. I was right in some cases but wrong with a good few too.
Writing how I felt gave me not only a release but some clarity and insight into what was going on, not just inside my head, but in my life too. It became the starting point of me being able to work through things. I still write down my feeling at times, especially if I am feeling overwhelmed stressed or depression has taken/or is threatening to take a hold of me again. It doesn’t work for everyone and only provided short term relief. I would suggest, however, that anyone struggling with their feelings, finding it hard to express themselves, needing a release or looking for some clarity and insight gives it a try.
Written By Lorna Smart
Blogger @Poemstellium
Instagram @lornasmartwordcrafter
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