Trigger warning – as part of this topic, there will be brief mentions of self-harm, eating disorders and feeling suicidal.

I have had the most experience with two types of therapy. One is person-centred therapy, and the other is cognitive behavioural therapy.

My first experience with therapy was when I was in my late teens. I was in the grips of a severe bout of depression, an eating disorder and self-harm. Medication was not helping.

This was my first experience with person-centred therapy. I didn’t know what to expect, so it took a long time to realise that my therapist was imposing their agenda on me. This did nothing to help my journey.

After my sister’s death, I started to notice things my therapist would say that were at odds with my journey and core beliefs. They did not like me questioning these, and the relationship deteriorated.

It hurt like hell when I finally realised what was going on. I had trusted them with my darkest, innermost thoughts, and this was the result. I stopped going and felt very alone again. How could I trust anyone if I couldn’t even trust a therapist?

The answer was a necessity. My mental health continued to plummet, and I had suicidal urges more often than not. I gave medication another try between therapists as there were now some different types, but, yet again, no dice.

The next one was also a person-centred therapist. However, this never got much further than the starting block, as after about six sessions, it became clear that the therapist’s religious convictions would keep getting in the way. I had made it clear early on regarding my atheism, but they kept on trying to convert me.

So, I was back to square one again. But, roll on a few years, and there’s a shining beacon of hope in the form of a cognitive behavioural therapist. We decided to tackle my self-harm as I have only six funded sessions (I cannot afford to pay for more) through a mental health charity. Our work together is hard, painful and exhausting, but they are fully invested in what I need. The groundwork laid in these sessions will result in me being free of self-harming, at the time of writing this, for almost 15 years. This success helps me continue my search for a therapist to support me through the complex maze of the rest of my issues.

I finally found one at the age of thirty, and for the next six years, they are there, giving me my safe space and the time that I need to work out what is going on, when I need to do to process it and how I can move forward.

As a result of this, though depression (and some other issues) still visits at times, their stays are much shorter as I can see them coming and do my best to resolve the problem in the early stages before it becomes a permanent resident.

This blog entry may not read like the most encouraging one regarding therapy and finding the one that fits what you need, but I urge you to keep looking. The cost to you in the long run if you do not get the help and support you need will have far more costly. You do have to shovel through some dirt, but I firmly believe that the right therapist is there for every person who needs one.

Written by Lorna Smart

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