Trigger warning – mentions self harm and suicide attempts.

I felt derailed for a long time when the floodgates opened, and the thoughts poured in. There was no order to them; they were just there, screaming at me for attention. It was frightening to feel completely out of kilter in all aspects. I couldn’t even rely on my mind. These thoughts became my normal.

I used to believe that ignoring them was the only way to deal with them. After all, the culture that I lived in is very good at teaching us to repress how we feel. Even at a young age, I had learnt that “I’m fine” was the only correct response to the question “How are you feeling?” This teaching was reinforced the few times that I did reach out. It was sadly mostly met with derision, disbelief and ridicule. Those who did listen were ill-equipped to help. Silence became another part of my armour against further pain. Oh no, that just made them worse. The screams got louder and went around in endless circles. I was filled with repulsion, shame and guilt.

Then I discovered that pain and punishment gave me a temporary reprieve because I had answered the thoughts that reinforced my disgust at myself. Not surprisingly, this became something of a cycle. Now I could function a bit better, or so I thought. But unfortunately, the short-term reprieves became even shorter, and life became increasingly unbearable. The darkness was consuming me, and it almost entirely took me over on more than one occasion.

I was fortunate that eventually, people did start not only to notice but to reach out to me, and I was, over many years, able to get the support and help that I needed to understand what these thoughts were about. So slowly, I worked through them and found ways to process them without being sucked in by them.

I now understand that, for me, these intrusive and obsessive negative thoughts form part of my mind’s warning system. It’s trying to tell me that something is not right. Allowing them their moment without being drawn into their mantra is how I deal with them most of the time. If there are signs that they will derail me, I no longer fear reaching out for the support and help I need.

Written By Lorna Smart

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