Despite what the popular idiom says about sticks, stones and words, words can and do cause long-term damage, especially if spoken repeatedly by someone you care about, and there is nothing or nobody to challenge them. Society pressures its inhabitants to fit in and be part of the crowd. Popularity is the ultimate goal. If you cannot achieve this, then you have failed.

I was rejected by my peers and my elders. I was considered an outsider. I wasn’t sporty, pretty, sexually available or stupid. As a result, very few people wanted to know me. Being at either end of the bell curve tends to cause this to happen, and not just when you are a child. The same sort of responses can come from adults. Those who did want to know me, not surprisingly, were in the same boat as me. The hatred of others soon created self-hatred in me. I remember the effect that this pressure had on me growing up. The longer it continued, the more it eroded my mental health. Though this was not the only reason for the decline, it was a sizable contributing factor. I ended up hating myself more than anyone else could. There wasn’t one aspect of myself that I hated, I hated the whole package, inside and out. 

I wasn’t a teenager yet, but society was telling me that I had failed. What sort of message is that?

I hadn’t failed. The requirement was the problem, not me.

There were some short-term changes in how I perceived myself after I left education, but, more often than not, I would slip back into my old way of thinking. I tried on various occasions to get support but without much success. It was not until I was a lot older that lasting changes started to happen to me.

I had people around me who reflected my true personality, and not the monster I thought I was. Sometimes you need to be seen through the eyes of others. 

I also found a therapist who provided a safe space and time for me to explore what was going on and work out ways to get past these obstacles. I made great progress through therapy. 

I would love to be able to go back to my younger self and apologise to her for not seeing what was happening sooner. I sometimes think of all the pain she could have avoided and the opportunities she could have had. Sadly, the most important life lessons are often learnt the hard way.

It is hard not to compare yourself to others and feel you need to be someone else. I still find myself doing it at times, but I can recognise it now.

You don’t have to be all things to all people.

You don’t owe society your soul.

You only have to be enough for yourself.

It is your life, not anyone else’s

Change because it benefits you, not because it’s demanded of you.

You are not alone.

WRITTEN BY LORNA SMART

BLOGGER @POEMSTELLIUM

INSTAGRAM @LORNASMARTWORDCRAFTER

LINKEDIN:WWW.LINKEDIN.COM/IN/LORNASMARTWORDCRAFTER/