I hated myself so much. I wanted to be invisible so badly. If I could disappear, it would be much better. It didn’t matter anyway, so why should anyone see me? What was there was not worth seeing. I was a monster.
I wasn’t.
It didn’t take too long for my wish to be mostly granted; after a while, I paled into the background, like paint or wallpaper does. When I was seen, it was as someone to be bullied, ridiculed, and hated. It conformed to and confirmed my own opinion of myself. I was happy about it, or I thought I was.
But I wasn’t. I desperately wanted and needed to be seen for who I really was and the horrific pain I was in. I needed kindness, compassion, support and help. My mind cried out for it until it was the only thing I could hear, but I continued to ignore it. I punished myself mentally and physically for wanting it so badly. Who did I think I was? After all, so many others were far worse off than it. How selfish of me!
I wasn’t being selfish.
However, I was there for others in my position. I listened, supported, and dropped everything to help in a crisis, etc. Why, you might ask, could I not do this for myself? I could see and respond to their pain and needs, but not my own. What was that all about? I’ve tried to describe my feelings about myself many times, but the words never entirely cover it. I found myself repulsive (not physically); I was ashamed of myself; why was I such a horrid, worthless waste of space?
I wasn’t anything of the sort.
As the years went by, some people started to see me for who I was, and it scared the crap out of me. I did all I could to deter them, which often worked. I didn’t know how to respond to this kindness and compassion; I wasn’t used to it and didn’t deserve it. There’s comfort in the “normal”, no matter how damaging that may be. Change, even for the better, can be terrifying.
I did and do deserve it.
Some of those who saw me could hear my screaming mind and understood what I was
trying to do. They stood steadfast and loyal no matter how much I tried to push them away.I will always be grateful to them for sticking around and helping me find my way through it all. Without them, I would have been gone many years ago.
Slowly, with the support of others, I started to see myself for who I was. I started to listen, acknowledge, and process the screaming in my head. I gave myself the kindness,compassion, and dignity I’d been given to others.
The revelation of the person beneath is a fascinating and beautiful journey that will last for the rest of my life.
I see me.
I will keep on seeing me.
I will not lose myself again.
WRITTEN BY LORNA SMART
BLOGGER @POEMSTELLIUM
INSTAGRAM @LORNASMARTWORDCRAFTER
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