Trigger Warning – This entry talks about eating disorders and mentions suicide.
There’s still a misconception that eating disorders are rooted in how you feel about yourself on a physical level. It is assumed that the sufferer feels that they are ugly or too fat. Though these indeed are the case for some people, it is not the case for all. It is an inaccurate and dangerous assumption to make. Like most disorders, there are many reasons why they occur. Self-repulsion can be about what’s on the inside, not the outside.
I’ve never had an issue with my appearance. I’m pragmatic when it comes to that. If I’m clean and presentable, that will do. However, on the inside, well, that’s another story. The depth of my hatred for myself knew no bounds. I don’t think it helped that school bullies reinforced my opinion of myself. Sadly, in all of the schools I attended, they were not very interested in dealing with bullying. When you’re told something about yourself enough time, it’s hard not to believe it. Don’t get me wrong, they didn’t start it; I blamed myself
wrongly for some of what was going on at home that I didn’t understand, especially concerning my mother and our relationship.
for over a decade, not eating was one of the ways I punished myself. As my self-hatred got worse the more I denied myself food. I wanted to punish my existence with a long,slow and painful demise.
I got very good at hiding it at home and, most of the time, at school. On the few times I got caught out at school, it wasn’t particularly difficult to wangle my way out of it. It did help that I was small and slight anyway, so the weight loss took a while to become noticeable.
When it was noticed, or I reached out, it was generally poorly handled. These people had no idea what to do, especially when it became clear that I could not be mollified or cured by kind words about my appearance. Most of their attempts made things worse.
It took a long time until I found someone who didn’t assume why I was the way I was. They asked, they listened, and they supported me as I navigated my way through understanding what was happening behind my eating disorder and finding better coping mechanisms.
Sometimes, this desire to punish myself tries to creep back, usually in times of extreme turmoil. However, now I can recognise it and see it for what it is, making it easier to stop it before it becomes a severe problem.
There needs to be more education regarding eating disorders. They are not
straightforward and are not just about food. Understanding eating disorders and what can be the root causes of them is essential as it will help with recognising it in ourselves and being able to support others. Too many people suffer unnecessarily due to ignorance and a lack of education.
WRITTEN BY LORNA SMART
BLOGGER @POEMSTELLIUM
INSTAGRAM @LORNASMARTWORDCRAFTER
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