Our heads are not always the safest places to be, especially if trapped in them. We also need a “space” where we can be totally ourselves without fear of scorn, ridicule or shame. Unfortunately, this is not always provided where you might expect. The family home can be very unsafe; not everyone has a friend they can turn to, and the professional help and support that may be needed are not always available.

Safe spaces can be physical and psychological. In my experience, they can take the forms of places, people and activities and can be found or created. They are hard to define as they will differ depending on the person and the circumstances. They can also change over time. The important thing is to find the ones that work for you. Mindfulness works for me, especially in times of immediate, excessive stress. It stops a mental pile-up from happening but does not work for everyone.

The first safe space for me was when I started writing poetry. I had discovered a way of getting some of the thoughts that rattled around in my head out of it for a while. They would come back inevitably, but there was a reprieve for a time. I still, to this day, write my feelings down if I need space from them or to see them more clearly. Writing provides a degree of objectivity. Others came over the years through people I met, work I did on myself, and support from loved ones and professionals.

I went through quite a lot of therapists before I found one that wasn’t trying to impose their agenda on me and where I also felt safe in the room. For each session, it really was my safe space to share some of the deepest and darkest things with them without fear. Whatever I needed to talk about or came to me during the session was okay with the therapist. Thoughts and feelings are not linear, so why should therapy be? Often these subjects would start forming a pattern that I would recognise, especially concerning past experience and behaviour. From this, I started to form a greater understanding of myself.

There can be unhealthy safe spaces, too, as odd as that sounds. These are typically spaces that have become toxic for some reason, such as a relationship breakdown, but dependence has set in. Self-talk (internal and external) can seem like a safe space to express your feelings, but not if all talk is poisonous. Some safe spaces stop being effective as needs change. Recognising the difference is not easy and sometimes requires an outside perspective.

Finding or creating a safe space(s) for yourself is a vital part of self-care. Sadly, we still live in a society that considers self-care to be a weakness or “namby-pamby” need. I assure you it is not; it can be a lifesaver.

Written By Lorna Smart

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