I’ve never been able to write a draft of a story starting from the beginning. I have to write it down as it comes to me in bits and pieces. Then when it is all down in it’s randomly jumbled way, I set about getting into the beginning, middle and end format. This can take some time and may attempts but it eventually gets there. It’s was the same with the jumbled, horrific mess in my head. There was no room for linear thought.

When I first started my road into therapy, I was disappointed by the number of therapists who, despite having been told just how much of a mess my head was in, expected me to be able to tell them everything in the exact order they happened. My head was so full of thoughts and pain, half the time, I couldn’t have told them what day it was. These experiences discouraged me and I felt that I was beyond help because I couldn’t tell my story the way therapists wanted me to.

Thankfully, I was encouraged by friends and loved ones to try again and after a few more attempts, I found both a cognitive behavioral therapist and, a few years later, a person centered therapist who only wanted me to tell them my story as it was in my jumbled up mind. In time, I was eventually able to get my thoughts and feeling out and my story became clearer and more ordered. Sometimes my thoughts and feelings still end up jumbled up but I do not have any sense of this being something to be ashamed of, I take the time and if needed, get the support I need to untangle them so I can process them better.

Your life is your story. Don’t let anyone tell you that it has to be word perfect and ordered right from the start. It takes time to get an idea of where we are going and at times, learn from where we have been. Each ‘draft’ contributes to our final version.

Written By Lorna Smart

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